Merry Christmas and all that crap...

So here it is Christmas time and after months and months of absence I am finally feeling the need to blog again.  I was thinking about sending out one of those bragging Christmas letters but realized no one would want to read about my year long pity party so I have decided to refrain.  Yes, that's right...I've been living in a dark hole feeling sorry for myself for about 8 months now.  Yesterday some girls at work were talking about happy lights and I am thinking maybe I should get one and I will stop being so ornery all the time.

So here I am... back to start complaining...because I hate people.  Not everyone, mind you...but in general I am thinking maybe I am destined to be a hermit because I find annoyance everywhere I look. (I actually have something good to say too, but I'm saving that for last...so bear with me for a second while I get some crap off my chest.)

I am sick and tired of ME MONSTERS and unfortunately they are everywhere these days. I could write for weeks about all of my encounters with these horrors but instead I will just share a few examples that have crossed my path recently.

The most recent was during the dance concert at the middle school.  (I've actually wondered if it was more than a dance concert but actually an organized gathering of me monsters from some internet posting or flyer that I didn't see)  (And yes, there were nice decent folk there as well but they just don't reach out and GRAB me like the me monsters do, so I won't be discussing them.)  The dance teacher came out and told the audience that because it is distracting to the performers, there would be no flash photography allowed.  I guess I didn't hear the caveat exempting some people from that rule but maybe I wasn't listening hard enough because there were flashes going off all over the place.  I was also not the only person annoyed as I heard someone from the back yell "Hey!  No flashes!" but unfortunately a deep, threatening sounding growl from the back wasn't enough to stop them either because several continued.  As annoying as this was, it wasn't really the "main event" so to speak...

As the dancers started, the man in front of me raised his camcorder over his head and proceeded to film the concert...essentially blocking my ENTIRE view.  I guess I also missed the memo that said clearly that only HIS child was performing that night and the rest of the kids as well as the audience were there to serve as props in his all-important existence.  As I looked around, I realized that he wasn't the only one with this stupid camcorder idea--there were several.  My husband, as well as many other parents with camcorders had chosen to take their project off to the side or to the back where they wouldn't block people.  Why these people with their arms in the air felt entitled to sit there in their nice comfy chairs and inconvenience everyone behind them is beyond me. 

My second example is one for which I was not actually present (thank goodness!) but Patrick told me about it and, to be honest, I wasn't all that surprised.  As he was walking from her parking space WAAAAY in the back of Walmart's parking lot, he witnessed a woman waiting for a space RIGHT UP FRONT (I'm way too impatient to parking space shop so I don't do this but I understand why some people do).  The man whose space she was waiting for was unloading an ENTIRE cart full of stuff and had barely started.  As she sat there, she was blocking three other cars that couldn't pass AND a woman that was trying to back out of a space and leave and couldn't because her car was in the way.  People were honking at her and giving her "the look" but she wasn't about to budge.  Finally the woman trying to back out got out of her car and went to give the woman a piece of her mind...knocking on her window...cursing and yelling at her.  Don't you just LOVE the spirit of Christmas?

What does it say about our sad pathetic world when someone would pepper spray a crowd to get a black Friday deal?  Or block everyone else while you wait for a space?  Or scream and yell at someone that's in your way?  Or take an ENTIRE box of candy when clearly there are three other people that wanted some? (I'll spare you the details...just know that I was one of the people waiting and NOT the person that swiped the whole box.)  Let's just say my shopping experience has been much more pleasant this year because I've done most of it online and avoided all these people.

Lest you think I am a Debbie Downer, I do have to say I have a real appreciation for a good news story, like the woman that paid off other people's lay away purchases when they were clearly not going to be able to do it themselves.  And our bishop spoke in church and told the story of the man that saved others when a plane went into the river and ended up sacrificing his own life (a story I remember from when it happened but it was a good reminder of the good that people do.) Someone needs to start a news service to highlight the good deeds done in the world so we can all have hope that the entire human race really isn't going to hell in a hand basket. There ARE a lot of good people left in the world.  Maybe after I get my happy light I will be able to spot them more clearly.

On another note... (and a better note...) I have had an absolutely fabulous experience that strengthened my faith and finally brought me out of my dark hole not too long ago.

For eight (or more) long months I have been praying for something...a prayer that was not gettting answered.  I felt ignored, alone, and in a lot of despair.  Instead of getting the answer I wanted, or any answer at all for that matter, it felt like things were only getting worse.  It was getting more and more difficult to continue having faith that things would improve when it felt like every time I prayed for relief all I got was one more reason to doubt.

Hence the pity party... I started to wonder what I had done to deserve all this misery.  I didn't really FEEL like I'd done anything, but don't we all look for a reason for everything?  It feels like at least having some kind of explanation will help...even if we DO find out it was actually all our own fault.  And to make matters worse, I held all of it inside...making myself sick and depressed.  I started to wonder when the rubber truck would show up and haul me away.

And then one day the answer came...and it was not at all what I expected.  It was the day that my eyes were truly opened that the Lord knows what I need more than I do and that if I can maintain faith and have patience He will always take care of me...usually in unexpected ways...but always in the best way.  My gratitude was so extreme I cried about it for five days.  Anyone that saw me must have thought I'd gone completely off the deep end...but tears of gratitude were a very welcome relief compared to what I'd been doing before. 

And thankfully, this happened just in time for me to catch my own Christmas spirit and feel a new sense of gratitude for my Savior and all he has done and continues to do for me...despite the me monsters that torment me.

Merry Christmas!