My daughter came rushing into my life like an angel--she literally was my miracle, and I tell her often than her entrance into the world saved my life...
Preface to the story: I had three boys at the time...the oldest was severely disabled...all of them still in diapers. I was EMPHATIC that, although I wanted more kids, I didn't want them yet. I knew that Braden would always be in diapers, but I knew the other two would eventually move along, and that was when I would be ready. On top of that, I was fat. Yep...I said it... FAT. (I could put it in nicer terms I suppose, but there is no reason to sugar coat it...if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...it's a duck. And I was fat.) And then the glorious Phen Fen came along, and I was all on board. The weight dropped off quickly, I was looking and feeling great, we bought our first house and moved and life was good.
Then I was pregnant. The only reason I even found out when I did is because I went to the doctor for my medication refill. Suddenly I was off the Phen Fen...and I was looking around at all the babies and diapers and crap that I was dealing with and I was DEPRESSED! I didn't WANT another baby yet, but unfortunately what I wanted at that moment suddenly didn't matter, because it was happening anyway.
I remember the day we went for the ultrasound and found out I was having a girl (finally). I still wasn't happy about having another baby, but Patrick couldn't wipe the grin off his face as we walked out of the hospital. I wanted to punch him in the face for being happy when I was miserable.
My misery didn't last long...about 8 months is all. Then my beautiful baby girl came along and I fell in love with her instantly and knew my life would never have been complete without her.
It was several years later that I discovered what a miracle she was. Suddenly Phen Fen was NOT the miracle fat cure that everyone had hoped and people were dying. Anyone that had been on the drugs for longer than six months was in serious danger of heart and lung damage. The day I found out I was pregnant? I was in there for my six month refill...literally, my miracle had happened.
Raising girls is so different from raising boys! I love my sons, and sometimes they are so easy compared to dealing with girl drama...but I wouldn't give her up for anything! She's been a light in my life from the time she was small and peeking at me over the side of her bassinet in my bedroom until I came out of the bathroom to find her curled up in my bed this morning.
And now here we are...sixteen years later. She is a beautiful girl, both inside and out. She loves to run, sing, climb rocks and trees, go hiking and enjoy architecture, eat ice cream and pasta, and listen to music endlessly. She hates chick flicks, arts and crafts, and having her face touched. Anyone that loves Dr. Who is her immediate best friend. She is super girly and loves fancy dresses, fancy shoes and fancy hair, but she will gladly leave the house without her make up on, unafraid that people will see her because she just doesn't care that much. She is kind to everyone, loves everyone, has the biggest heart of anyone I know, always roots for the underdog, and always expects the best from everyone--sadly, this means she is disappointed sometimes when friends let her down. She also lives with a lot of fear--of boys, of dating, of spiders, of the monsters that live in the corner of her bedroom, yet she is unafraid to get up in front of an audience and sing or speak. She's an enigma...and those who know her should be happy for the privilege.
There is so much I want to say to her, so much to teach her, so many things about having a teenage daughter that scare the crap out of me! So I try to talk, but nothing comes out right, and the eye rolling begins, and I'm sure she has told her friends on more than one occasion how annoying I am or how much she hates me or thinks I am trying to run her life (or ruin it). I have written her letters in the past, and she feels like I am lecturing her even though I don't mean it that way at all...
So I will try, one more time, to tell her all the things in my heart. Even if she doesn't read it now, hopefully one day she will and look back and say "Yep..mom was right..." (Because haven't we all?)
To My Daughter:
If I could tell you all the things in my heart it would fill novels...so I will try to keep it to the important stuff and maybe someday we'll have time for the rest... But here is what I hope you know:
- I am not, nor have I ever been, perfect. I know this is shocking...but I was once a sixteen year old girl too. Even though it may not seem like it, I have experienced all the emotions, trouble, fear, anxiety, excitement and joy that you are now feeling and I remember it well. When you feel like no one understands what you're going through, it isn't true, because I understand.
- I made a lot more mistakes in my youth than you will ever know about. I know you are going to make mistakes too, and I want you to feel like you can come to me with anything. It might make me sad or angry or disappointed, but that's okay because I will do whatever I can to help you fix it and we will muddle through together.
- I know your natural inclination is to trust all your friends with your feelings and secrets because that was my inclination too at your age. But I wish you could realize that the most trustworthy person in your life is me because there is not a person alive on this earth that loves you more than I do.
- As much as I wish I could save you from the hurt, sadness, and pain that sometimes comes with growing up, I can't. Believe me, I've wracked my brain trying to figure out how to do it and there is no way. Just know that all these things will turn you into the glorious, amazing person that you will become in the future.
- Remember that every single person that comes into your life will leave something with you and take something from you. Some of it will be bad, but most of it will be good. Love and value every friendship you make, and leave everyone better off for having known you. Someday you will look back at the friends you left behind and miss them terribly, but you'll also remember all the good times you had with them and be so happy you had the opportunity to have them in your life even for a short time.
- On that note, don't limit your friendships to those that are "just like you" because there are beautiful people with a lot to offer everywhere you go, and you will learn a lot about yourself from all of them, and you never know when they will learn something from you too.
- Don't be afraid to fall in love or let someone love you. Every relationship you have will add to your life in some way. It's scary because it requires you to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open yourself up to someone else, and you run the risk of getting hurt, but it's ALWAYS worth it. ALWAYS. This is how you learn about yourself, what's important to you, what you want in a spouse, and you will probably even discover some things that aren't as important as you thought they were.
- Respect yourself enough to expect to be treated well by the boys you date. Don't make excuses for bad behavior. Giving second chances to a boy that doesn't treat you right the first time is bad business--it just condones the behavior. And when you do get one that treats you right, hang on to them...but make sure you're treating them right, too. Remember that boys have feelings too, and they get hurt just as much as girls do, maybe even more. If you ever doubt that, talk to your brother.
- Set your goals high, but don't let yourself get so bogged down by the details that you don't have time for fun. And contrary to what is happening these days, all the fun in the world doesn't happen in front of a screen. Put the phone away, turn off the computer and the TV and get out there! There is a reason why The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is my favorite movie--get out there and live your life! Face to face conversations are better than texting.
- Don't take yourself and everything else so seriously! Sometimes it's okay to let yourself go and have fun without thinking about what it means...because sometimes it doesn't mean anything. And on that note, stop being afraid of everything. You have no idea what you're missing out on all in the name of fear.
- And last, but certainly not least...Always remember that I love you. Even when you're angry and yelling, or rolling your eyes at me, or doing exactly the opposite of what I want you to do...I still love you, and I always will. Everything I say or do is only my effort to help you or make your life better, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Mom
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