A Whole New World

I am sitting here at the computer listening to Braden.  He's sitting in the family room squealing in a pitch high enough to break glass, and then laughing hysterically.  Savannah and Colby are complaining...but what am I supposed to do about it?  Every once in awhile I try quietly explaining to Braden that the high pitched noises are driving us all out of our minds, but he either doesn't care or isn't listening.  Hmm.  I actually don't mind the squealing (it's the screaming in anger that drives me nuts) and the laughing is downright hilarious.  I wish I knew what he thinks is so funny.  Sometimes I think there are angels in our house telling him jokes and I wish I could hear them too.
Braden is going to be turning 18 in just over a month...and with it comes another unrealized milestone.  We've have many of them in the past...
I remember when he was a baby and we lived in an apartment.  The people below us had a baby the same age as Braden...and one day as I sat at the table doing some work, with Braden laying on the floor on a blanket kicking and smiling right next to me, I looked out the window to see the dad from below helping his son take his first steps down the sidewalk.  Braden couldn't even roll over yet.  I had been living with a lot of denial...and that day was probably the day I really opened my eyes to what lie ahead.  I remember it like it was yesterday...probably because I'm still waiting for the first steps that will never come.
Since then we've passed a lot of milestones that never happened....no first words, no first day of Kindergarten, no baptism, no priesthood ordination...not to mention all the "little" things that never happened like learning to ride a bike or play baseball.  More recently, there has been no driver's license, no first job, no first date...and this year, when he should have been donning his cap and gown, no graduation.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of things to come that won't happen either.
Every time one of these milestones comes along, it feels like a whole new loss...having the tragedy of his disabilities happen all over again.  While I can't say I can completely relate to a parent that has lost a child to death, I'm sure they experience the same sense of loss as the years pass and they remember what they will never have because their child is gone.
So now...instead of celebrating a child graduating from high school and beginning his whole new world as an adult with all the promise that lies ahead, we get to head to court to get Legal Guardianship so that this insane government can give me their stamp of approval that it's okay for me to continue to care for my own son.  We even get to take a competency test...just to make sure we're adequate parents...you know...because for these first 18 years we might have been doing a second rate job.  Sorry if I sound a little bitter.  And did I mention that we have to pay for Braden to have his own lawyer?
This whole guardianship process is complicated, confusing, expensive, and depressing.  It is the last bridge to cross...the day when my perfect little baby becomes an adult in every way except the way that counts...and a harsh slap of realization that even though he is technically an adult he will forever be a six month old baby trapped in a crooked, crippled body that will never heal.
Sometimes it's overwhelming to consider the responsibility involved in taking care of Braden.  Sometimes I am really impatient and mean...and I know somewhere in heaven someone is taking notes every time I do something wrong...shaking their head and "tsk, tsk"ing me.  I don't know what is coming in the future with Braden, and how long he might be with us...but I hope that in the next life he will forgive me for all the times I was less than the perfect mother (oh yeah...that would be "every day") and we can have a good chat.  Maybe then he will tell me what was so funny.
As for right now...I guess I can only hope we pass our competency tests and he can stay.